THIS? or THAT?Posted: January 19, 2010
It’s not always about what you write. Sometimes it’s about what you don’t write.
And, for me, the fact that I didn’t write something two days ago is a pretty big thing.
And just so you know, me writing THIS is not me finding a different way to write about THAT.
Because while I will address THAT in THIS, it’s not really about THAT. Honestly.
What’s THAT? Well, it’s the fact that Tim’s birthday was two days ago. And, more importantly, that I didn’t write about it. In the past, I would have.
In the past, I would have written about how much it sucks (oh, it still does). I would have written how hard it is to celebrate Tom’s birthday knowing his twin isn’t here (that’s still true).
What is THIS? THIS is me writing about why I didn’t write THAT. It really is. I’m not going to write about how THAT brought me down. Because, well, it didn’t. Or at least not as much as usual.
Why? Good question.
The answer lies within. As does everything else.
The answer is me trying not to focus on things that will hurt. Trying not to focus on things that will bring up bad/hurtful memories. Trying not to focus on ways to, quite honestly, sadden myself. And therefore make it somewhat of a challenge for those around me — something I’ve become much more aware of lately.
Now, let me just say this, in a couple of weeks I’ll be here writing about my Dad. Why? Because at the end of the month is the 10th anniversary of his passing. I can’t leave that. I’m not ready for that. So that’ll be here. As will something, most likely, in June on Tim’s anniversary.
But, by taking away posts on birthdays (besides perhaps a quick note on facebook), I’m trying to take away some elements that can affect me. I have to do this. It doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about THAT. Believe me, I am. And I always will be.
It’s more of how I think about THAT. Birthdays are good days. So rather than be morbid, a goal is going to be to try and be happier. Think that’s easy? Think again.
But, it’s a step. It may seem like a small one to you. But, um, yeah, to me, it’s like huge.
So this weekend, we had great family time. Gathered at Tom’s house Saturday. Simple. Pizza. Cake. And just hanging out. Even goofy stuff like Tom playing his guitar while Lynn and I played “Name that Tune.” For a moment, it was just Tom, Lynn and me in Tom’s basement. Honestly, can’t tell you when the last time the three of us were together like that. And it was good, stupid fun.
It was a little weird not having Tim’s family there (they were at a wedding), but it was a good day.
Then, Sunday, we gathered at my mom and sister’s for dinner. My sister-in-law was there, so that was good to have Tim’s connection there. Great meal. Even greater stories — including ones about Tim. It was family stuff. Stuff most of you would never understand — much like me not being able to understand some of your close family stories.
But, you know what? It was just right.
And that is all part of THIS.
All part of me trying to, quite frankly, deal with my feelings. Again. Do you know me? Because if you do, you realize that’s not an easy thing for me. But, it’s a necessary thing for me. Especially now.
So, yes, the end of this month is going to suck. It’s been 10 years for Dad. And, well, as a good friend said to me the other night that we deal with something like this every day, there’s something about the number 10.
And then in June, on Tim’s anniversary, that’ll be my time to deal with THAT.
Then, on July 9th, which is Dad’s birthday, I’m not going to be here moping. In fact, I probably won’t be here at all. But if I am, it’ll be to tell you about the things I did that day, or plan to do that day, in order to find ways to remember the good about Dad and not focus on the negative.
Because, really, I’ve had enough of THAT. I need more of THIS.