It’s Hard for Me…Posted: November 27, 2009
…to write what I really want to write.
It’s why I haven’t written it before, quite frankly.
Nervous about putting it out there. Nervous about your reaction.
Don’t want people ‘worrying’ about me.
But, the (amazing) fact is, people do. Which is why I’m not going to hide it any more.
And for those of you that know me best, I know I haven’t been hiding it at all — you’ve seen it all along.
It took a while to come out, but now that it has, well, it’s sort of been wreaking havoc on me in more ways than one.
But, yeah, my brother’s death — finally starting to deal with it. And it hasn’t been pretty.
And it’s not so much about Tim’s death as it is about the timing of his death. Not to say it would have been easy to handle his death at any time, but when it comes literally within days of my daughter’s birth, well, yeah, can you say world turned upside down? Because I can.
But I’ve told you about this before. This isn’t new.
What I haven’t told you is how it has changed me. Some of that I know and some of it I don’t — I think because it hasn’t finished changing me yet.
No more patterns. No more routine. No more questions about what could have been or should have been. No. Life is too short. Truly. Don’t want to ask myself any more of those questions.
I don’t want to be mad at Tim for ruining Erin’s arrival — and, well, to some extent I am. I don’t want to be upset about the loss in general — but rather try to celebrate what was, not what might have been.
That isn’t easy. None of it.
And I’m not smart enough to do that on my own.
Which is why I asked for help.
From a counselor.
There. I said it.
Yes, I saw a counselor for about six to eight weeks. And it helped — a lot. And I’m planning to do it again, especially since I’ve learned of a new kind of therapy that is different than traditional talk therapy (no, it’s not shock!). I need to learn more about it, but what I’ve learned so far is encouraging — that it can help ease the pain of traumatic situations and refocus on the good, not the bad.
And, yeah, imagine that, more of my time has been the opposite — on the bad, not the good.
Why now? Good question. I think it’s just taken that long for me to realize that I never really grieved. I never really handled it well when it was going on. Because, quite frankly, I didn’t know where to focus.
But, again, why now? My mood has suffered, as you’ve probably noticed. You’ve told me that. You’ve told me I’ve been more irritable. You’ve told me my temper has flared more than before. You’ve told me my fuse has gotten shorter.
But you’ve also told me that you are with me. That you support me. That you are my friends first and foremost. That you will listen when I need it. That you will encourage if necessary, listen if necessary, talk if necessary, walk if necessary. That whatever it is, you will do it.
I can’t tell you how much that means to me — someone who doesn’t always understand why people would offer that.
What I can tell you is that I am blessed with truly amazing people in my life — all of whom are ready to help.
And while I’ve needed the help so far and will need more in the future, I realiz there is one very important place for me to find strength — and that’s from within.
I need your support — as you’ve given it to me. And I will see a counselor again and seek that help. But at the same time, I need to pull myself out of some of this, too.
And call it an early New Year’s Resolution, but I’m trying.
I really am.