Struggling.Posted: November 16, 2009
There. I said it.
Right up there in the headline. See it?
Yup. It’s official.
That’s part of the reason I haven’t been here in, oh, forever. Because, yeah, I was really looking forward to writing the “I succeeded at Forty by Forty” post. Not so much.
That’s just one of the ways I’ve let myself (and probably others) down.
There are more. Lots more.
And remember that lesson that this isn’t a space for you, it’s actually a space for me. Yup. It’s true. Especially now.
I’ve been wanting to come here for a while and didn’t know what to say. Still don’t, really. But figured I’d start with this. Gotta start somewhere, right?
Part of this hit me the other day when I saw a facebook status of two friends being together. One of them I’m in regular contact with. And the other, well, I should be — and I’m not. And it bothers me. To the point that I need to fix it. And to the point where the one I am in regular contact with texted me the following, “No matter what, you can’t lose sight of the people that have always been there.”
That stung. Hard. And it’s totally true. This person is someone I trust explicity, have shared so much with — and I’ve totally dropped the ball. Why? I don’t know. I have a reason, but I’m not sure I’m even buying it — but now I need to correct my actions — and that’s just one area.
I had a major screw up at work last week. Well, hard to call it a screw up. Point is, I delivered on everything I was supposed to deliver — and well, I might add — but the recipient didn’t think the same way. And the person’s words attacked me at the core — questioning my ability and my decision making. Why did it hurt? Because I put my heart and soul into making this really good thing happen. It’s still a really good thing. It just probably won’t happen again (when it had the chance to). And, so, yeah, I cried at work. Absolutely lost it. When your insides are challenged — as mine were — that’s one way to respond. Maybe not the most professional, but, yeah, I did it. Only one person saw it and handled the situation amazingly well, but now, yeah, you all know it.
Oh, and I’m 40 now. Nice. Moving on.
Just questioning a lot of things. Re-examining a lot of things. Trying to figure out a lot of things.
Impossible? Might be. But have to try.
Because if I don’t, I’ll only struggle even more.