There. I said it.

Right up there in the headline. See it?

Yup. It’s official.

I’m struggling.

That’s part of the reason I haven’t been here in, oh, forever. Because, yeah, I was really looking forward to writing the “I succeeded at Forty by Forty” post. Not so much.

That’s just one of the ways I’ve let myself (and probably others) down.

There are more. Lots more.

And remember that lesson that this isn’t a space for you, it’s actually a space for me. Yup. It’s true. Especially now.

I’ve been wanting to come here for a while and didn’t know what to say. Still don’t, really. But figured I’d start with this. Gotta start somewhere, right?

Part of this hit me the other day when I saw a facebook status of two friends being together. One of them I’m in regular contact with. And the other, well, I should be — and I’m not. And it bothers me. To the point that I need to fix it. And to the point where the one I am in regular contact with texted me the following, “No matter what, you can’t lose sight of the people that have always been there.”

That stung. Hard. And it’s totally true. This person is someone I trust explicity, have shared so much with — and I’ve totally dropped the  ball. Why? I don’t know. I have a reason, but I’m not sure I’m even buying it — but now I need to correct my actions — and that’s just one area.

I had a major screw up at work last week. Well, hard to call it a screw up. Point is, I delivered on everything I was supposed to deliver — and well, I might add — but the recipient didn’t think the same way. And the person’s words attacked me at the core — questioning my ability and my decision making. Why did it hurt? Because I put my heart and soul into making this really good thing  happen. It’s still a really good thing. It just probably won’t happen again (when it had the chance to). And, so, yeah, I cried at work. Absolutely lost it. When your insides are challenged — as mine were — that’s one way to respond. Maybe not the most professional, but, yeah, I did it. Only one person saw it and handled the situation amazingly well, but now, yeah,  you all know it.

Oh, and I’m 40 now. Nice. Moving on.

Just questioning a lot of things. Re-examining a lot of things. Trying to figure out a lot of things.

Impossible? Might be. But have to try.

Because if I don’t, I’ll only struggle even more.

5 Comments on “Struggling.”

  1. Stormy says:

    Hang in there pal. Go hug Renee, Aidan & Erin. That will make you feel better.

  2. Melissa Gifford says:

    The biggest mistakes usually cause the most change, I’ve found lately that the change ends up to be a good life lesson. keep in touch.

    chin up

  3. fritz says:

    we all struggle, and i have the utmost faith that you will make it out alright! why? because you are the best!

  4. debbie says:

    Thanks for sharing! You really are the best and it is so normal to evaluate and question, that is a good thing, it means you are growing as a person. Look around and see all that you have accomplished! Don’t look far, look at Renee and your 2 beautiful kids!

  5. cdp says:

    I often feel like I have let myself down. I remember my grandfather who always taught me that, “We must expect more of ourselves, and hold ourselves to a higher standard than others.” I suspect that is likely the case with you. It is easy to feel that we have let others down when we focus on one or two small things. You need to remember that your friends and family love the whole you – not just your successes, and not just your faults. We all make mistakes, and some days mistakes are the only things we can truly call our own. But. you are not your mistakes. And I’ll bet if you took a poll the overriding emotion of those who know and love you would not be, “He’s let me down.” Just saying.

    Also, keep asking those questions. Might I be cliche and remind you that the unexamined life is not worth living? It behooves us all to ask ourselves the tough questions, and when you don’t like the answers, it only means that you are being honest with yourself; and it is an opportunity to better yourself and the way you see yourself by resolving those things about yourself that quietly bother you.

    You’re a good friend. You’re a good husband. You’re a GREAT father. You’re good people. Be kind to yourself.

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